And Another Thing: The Mop-Up Nitro (Part III) 10.02.02
Posted by Hyatte on 10.02.2002
The retrospective wraps up... and the douchebag burns out
Here is the last part. From ScoopThis and anything notable done here at 411.
See if you can pinpoint exactly where I started becoming terribly bored with this whole thing.
The final Mop-Up Raw retrospective can be found right here
WASTING MY LIFE!!! (part III)
-Nitro opens with the end of "E.R."... oooh, it's that "Very Special Episode" where Doctor Ross promises to extract that furry rodent out of Joel Schumacher's rectal cavity in exchange for the lead role in "Batman & Robin". (This is how deals get MADE in Tinsel Town, people. If I told you how Tom Cruise got "Risky Business", you would NEVER look at Bacon Grease the same way again!)
-"Nuuugh... of course George, you'd make a FAWBULOUS Caped Crusader! Now, get this wretched thing OUT! Oh... wait... DON'T take it out... STOP... it's starting to nibble...ooo... ooo... oh my cup runneth ovar...oh dear....ooo...!"
-E.R. ends
-Then Tony said that they were playing to the college crowd at Ohio State University. Right here is where I would make a flippant, insensitive remark about slipping some young, fertile, blossoming Co-ed some Ecstasy, and going to town, but you see... that would be WRONG... I've learned my lesson about such callous remarks. I have grown into a more respectful fellow... mindful of other people's feelings! No MORE will I so callously trample over other people's emotions, Hell bent on destroying and belittling them to the point of a nervous breakdown. Welcome to the NEW Mop-Up! Welcome to the NEW CHRIS HYATTE!!!
-Now excuse me..I have to go rape my dog
-If that last line seems familiar, it's because I used every word of it in a previous column at Scoops. Except they edited out the "rape my dog" part. Apparently, and without my knowledge, my Dog hired a lawyer and threatened Scoops with a MAJOR class action suit.
-pre-taped segment where Arn says that even though he saw Benoit's leg under the bottom rope as Sid had him pinned, he conveniently did NOT see Sid's foot under the rope when Benoit had HIM pinned. Then he reminded us that Sid once pretended that he was Papa Shango on Crystal Meth and used Arn as a damn Voodoo Doll. So maybe he just didn't WANT to see Sid's foot under the ropes?
-Arn, "If everybody could be a Referee, everybody would!" (I'd rather be a Porn actor myself. Or maybe a Rock singer. Hell, I'd be an Funeral Home Director. Anything that would get me laid).
-Ahmed Johnson is now called "Big T". I pity da' fool who has to script him
I've never been to Harlem. Think I'm stupid? Are you high? Haven't you seen "Die Hard with a Vengeance"?
-The match barely started when Standards and Practices came out with Ms. Handcock (see, at Scoops she would be called "Handxxxxx". So, you see... I HAD to leave)
-Heenan claimed that Tenay had "two glasses of chocolate milk today". He neglected to mention which member of Harlem Heat the "milk" came from.
-I have that RARE "Peanuts" strip where Snoopy starts leading Woodstock and his family into Charlie Brown's oven... it's quite disturbing. Then Charlie Brown makes Linus choose between his blanket, or his sister Lucy. Lucy was just about to hit the oven when Shroeder shows up to show that both Lucy and the blanket is on his "list". Commandant Peppermint Patty ends up shooting Shroeder in the head. All that in four panels. Damn near destroyed Schultz's career. But then he built that Hockey rink and all was forgiven.
-"Apple Pie Indian Strap match"... of course, seeing how both Flair and Hogan seem to have some sort of filling in their boobs now, I guess the name makes sense.
-Someone is crouching up on a rail delivering a monologue about how Jarrett will pay for whatever he's done. This person's face is a deathly white... Dear God, don't tell me it's Owen!! OWEN IS BACK AND HE'S HAUNTING WCW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The Maestro took on Ernest Miller. Oh I am NOT dealing with this. Goodbye.
-I'm gonna call Bob Ryder. I have his phone number, in case you didn't hear.
-QUICK, QUICK... Ye Old Mighty Tongue Shannon, go RUNNING over to Bob and shoot him an e-mail about what that a-hole Hyatte is doing!!!!!!
-Let's see...area code 225.. 76... oh we will NOT be revealing anything else thank you very MUCH.
-phone's ringing.
-HELLO... hello. Is "Internet Guru" Bob Ryder there? It's Mark Madden calling. *start panting heavily in the phone*
-She said, "one moment". Nice sounding lady too.
-Hello? Bob? This is Mark *GASP WHEEZE* Hey Bob, do you know Prince Albert?
-Yeah.. well, do you have Prince Albert in a can?
-You do? WELL YOU BETTER FREE HIM!! MY GOD BOB, HE'S DROWNING!!!!!!!!
-Oh okay, this isn't Mark Madden. Hey Bob? Bob on this!
-Bob hangs up.
-BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA HAW HAW HAW HOO HO HO HO HEE HEE HEEEEEE YEEEEEEEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MAN THAT FELT GOOD!!!!
-Madden, "It's great wrestling action like this Tony, that separates Nitro from every other wrestling program out there. You can't find action like this ANYWHERE!!!" (You call this action? Watch Madden's digestive system go to work after a few hours at the Sizzler. THAT'S knock your socks off, Chester.)
-Someone tell Madden that parting your hair down the middle went out with Culture Club
-Then Dillenger opened up his shit. Scrawled on his stomach from the INSIDE were the words, "Someone help me, eh" Jarrett got on his knees and screamed in Dillenger's belly button, "OWEN, IS THAT YOU???" Wisely, they cut away.
-Hey, if the Wall had problems with Gallstones, and those Gallstones were shaped like Bricks, could it be possible to look at him and say, "All along it's just another brick in the Wall"? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! OH, I’M THE FUNNIEST!!
-Flair ended up on the Announce table. Madden hasn't moved that fast since Bob Ryder offered him a job at 1Wrestling. Better believe he hightailed it outta Wrestleline faster than a Scaia orgasm
-Okerlund said that they will have the premiere of "Ready to Rumble" at that Chink Theater in Hollywood. DDP called it the "biggest thing he’s ever done" (at that point, a rather loud voice from Kimberly’s box squeaked, "Excuse me?")
-DDP sold the movie as "Wayne’s World meets Wrestling"... hmm, wasn’t that the tagline for "No Hold’s Barred"?
-I promise you... I GUARENTEE.. that EVERY SINGLE REVIEW OF "R2R" YOU SEE WILL HAVE SOME SORT OF HOKEY WRESTLING REFERENCE IN IT!!!"
- Gene Shalit says, "This movie puts you in a sleeper hold and does not let go!"
-Roger Ebert says, "You’ll need a Referee to control the stampeding herd running out of the movie within the first 15 minutes!"
-Peter Travers says, "Someone piledrive the next Producer who tries to make another wrestling movie!"
-Bob Ryder says, "This will put WCW back on top and will once again make Eric Bischoff the real ‘King of the Ring’!"
-Gene Siskel says, "Whoa, man. I’m glad I’m dead!"
-Mike Modest was in the ring. The Artist came out. Madden said he never heard of Modest. Tony pointed out that Modest was the star of "Beyond the Mat" and that the movie was pretty much based on Modest right now as they spoke. In fact, Barry Blaustein was backstage right now, filming this match and directly feeding it to the theaters live as it happens.
-Footage from the good, clean fun that is WCW Spring Breakout. It’s only a coincidence that 95% of the WCW talent have just come down with herpes this week.
-Tony says that Mike Tenay and Rikki Rachtman are doing some sort of Web Telecast backstage that will show us what’s happening backstage. Click on over and see if YOU can identify all the voices saying, "OH GOD, LET ME OUT OF MY CONTRACT!!!!!"
-Tony reminisced about the time Bischoff parted the Red Sea. Madden recalled the time Russo booked Goliath to put over David.
-Morrus went for an elbow drop off the ring apron. Funk moved. Morrus crashed into a mat softer than a water bed. Tony wondered if Morrus wasn’t really from Krypton.
-The Wall is all over Hulk like a cheap douche.
-Tony remembered the time that was 1995. It was a year of wonderment, excitement. It was the year The Spin Doctors ruled the airwaves, ER ruled the ratings, a young Tom Arnold taught us how to laugh (with apologies to "The Simpsons"), and we were all just a few months away from the invasion of Canadian sensation Alanis Morissette. And of course, Internet Butthumps-in-the-making were preparing for their own websites by plying their trades on RSP-W, little did they know that their cozy little existence was only two years away from humiliation on a weekly basis by a renegade dynamo known as HYATTE!!!!!! MIND IF I PISS IN YOUR LITTLE INTERNET GARDEN, DOUCHEBAGS???
-we see the time Nick Bockwinkle emceed the Hogan contract signing. I hear old Nick is currently roaming around Japan looking for that idiot Jumbo Tsuruta." "STEAL MY TITLE WILL’YA??? WHERE ARE YOU YA’ GODDAM JAP!!!!" Alas, poor Nick is back in diapers.
-We are reminded that Hogan DOES have a film career. To avoid public outrage, nobody tagged the word "successful" on it.
-back to the announcers. Bischoff’s vision is a REALITY!!! Tony said he was so nervous, he walked around the Mall of America for 3 hours! Madden said he walked around for 3 minutes, got tired, then hung around the escalators watching the girls in miniskirts go up.
-We see Flair and Anderson against Buff Bagwell and Scotty Riggs. There is nothing gayer than a team named "American Males". Jeeze, the Beverly Brothers took one look at them and yelled, "FAGS!!"
-The Shark is NOT a Fish, nor is he an employed worker at the moment either.
-Lots of Cruiserweight shots. Malenko, Benoit, Jericho, Eddie Guerrero... and a bunch of idiots in masks. Mexican Idiots... or is that an oxymoron?
-of course it is NOT. How dare I. I apologize to idiots everywhere for calling them Mexican.
-Diamond Dallas Page tells us NOT to work a match of our own without proper training. The same advice applies for working Kimberly over with a dildo too, YOWZAA!! *rimshot* Take my wife... PLEASE!
-Tony changed topics and talked up the transformation of Sting. How he went from an exciting, enthused, energetic KING of the WCW to being a solemn, silent, mopey mid card worker who now just phones in his performances. My God, it’s almost as if he left SCOOPS for ScoopThis!
-Tony says THIS is the night that THE WORLD CHANGED!!!!! (WRONG!!! Shatner let Joan Collins die and the Nazis do NOT take over the planet!!! Nice try Dillenger... you evil, evil MONSTER!!!!!!!)
-Tony also says that tonight, Nitro "turns the page". This is no ordinary "Hollywood Night", oh no... They are "going to Katmandu" for a little of that "old time rock and roll" and will produced moments that will create pops usually reserved for people "like a Rock!!"
-Oh here Nitro is. On the road again!!!! There they are. Up onnnnn the staaaaaaaage!! There Eric goes, playing star againnnnn!! There Eric goes, turn the paaaaaaaagggge!!!
-THE HELL WITH THE RECAP!!! LET’S GO TO A STRIP CLUB AND GET SLOSHED ON JACK DANIELS!!! FOLLOW ME!!!!
-Mona’s still there? Jeeze. Can you believe these people got paid for sitting at home and doing NOTHING? Unlike me, who sat at home and got paid the old fashioned way, through the death of my Mother and selling of my house. I only wish she was alive, so she could die again and I could get even MORE!!!
-COME ON DAD!!! LET THAT HEART EXPLODE!!! CHRIS NEEDS A NEW
JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!
-Russo’s got the "Wop Belly". It’s a genetic condition that results in almost 50% of all girdle sales being made to middle aged guys named "Tony".
-Backstage, Hulk Hogan has just arrived. They now have just over an hour (20 minutes for this segment, a good 15 minutes for commercials) of airtime to mold this guy for a new audience. Moses had it easier getting those people through the Caspian Sea.
-Spot for Page's book. Nothing bad had ever happened in his life. I just recapped the book for you.
-Hogan is still looking for Bischoff. He opens one door, looks for a second, and mutters "whoa!". (It’s official, they hired Patterson... God help them)
-Problem is, GB’s nursing a scratch on his arm. So he’s not around. (Goldberg ALWAYS hides away during the Easter season. Fill in the blanks and leave me alone)
-So, Tank will just have to keep beating up innocent citizens until Goldberg resurfaces. Tank doesn’t care if he has to beat up Mother Teresa, he’ll beat up ANYONE!!! (umm, has Tank EVER read a newspaper? She’s DEAD!! I know... I paid her a "visit". And let me tell you, this "Bride of Christ" thing is nonsense. She was LOOSE as a GOOSE. I had to strap a board across my back just so I wouldn’t fall in.)
-Backstage, Torrie Wilson uses every acting skill in her being to try to convince us that she was worried about what Billy Kidman was about to do. Upon seeing this, James Lipton immediately canceled her appearance on "Inside the Actor’s Studio" and shot a note off to her agent telling him to "If that silly little bitch makes one step into New York I’ll have Nathan Lane violate her with a tube of Knockwurst." He filled her slot in with Pauly Shore. (Favorite word? "Funnnndage!")
-That was enough. Kidman attacked. He punched away at Hogan.
-Hogan screams
-Hogan FALLS!!!!!!
-Not quite like the time Galactus fell in New York, but John Byrne, Russo is NOT.
-The fight continued. Tony, "THE WORLD HAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!!! IN ONE NIGHT!!!" (ah, so that explains why I can now walk on my ceiling. For a second there, I thought I was Spider Man)
-Steiner was introduced as the new US Champion. Let’s see, Steiner isn’t all that bright, he is completely in love with himself, and he is one syringe shot away from total embalment. One day, Scott Steiner is going to snap and really hurt someone, and that my friends, is why he is the scariest Motherfu**er on TV.
-Eric came out with Kimberly. I guess he’s supposed to be boffing her. Actually, I’ve seen less believable couples. (Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Hyatte and Anything with Two Tits and a Pulse)
-The Announcers get some face time. Madden looks like he just came out of a Bunkhouse Brawl with the Buffet Table. I wonder if he packs spare socks in those bags under his eyes? (he looks like a Zombie. The Walking Dead. Well, the Eating Dead.)
-Madden asked what in God’s name will happen to him next? I don’t know, but I’m sure food will be involved.
-Ms Handcock was busy watching this, and fellating a pen. Must be practicing for Russo later. (size don’t matter)
-and of COURSE Sting knows about pain! Jesus, anyone remember that movie he was in where he played a waiter and robbed a Quickie mart of all it’s Slim Jims? Then he had to SELL IT????? AND PRETEND IT WAS GOOD??
-"Real Reasons Men Commit Crimes"... produced by Eric Bischoff.
-Page hugged Nash furiously, Nash reciprocated. Page hugged Kanyon furiously. Nash ignored Kanyon, all is right with the World.
-Tank Abbott was in the building. Madden sweated away a few pounds. It’s like emptying a lake with a single glass.
-Buff and Douglas told Okerlund that he was bald. Okerlund was shocked.
-I wonder if the Rochester crowd, being upstate, will enjoy some "Steamed Hams" after the show?
-Moments ago Sting ring did his thing and turned into Ben Grimm... good luck figuring that one out.
-Arquette speared Bischoff. Tony had a bowel movement live on camera.
-Steiner says that he went to New York last week to find Booker T’s "jive ass". (If he calls him a Turkey, I am quitting the column early)
-Booker came out in black shades and all leather. He’s a complicated man, that no one understands ‘cept his woman.
-Big sign reading "PFB RULES"... yessiree, there is nothing wrong with a little Peanut F-Ing Butter.
-You know, here’s the acid test. Have Tank beat the crap out of Shane and Shannon. I mean, have him lay WASTE to Shane and Shannon and make sure the announcers refer to the two as STRICTLY "Shane and Shannon"... THEN, and only THEN will I totally believe that WCW is REALLY involved with the current doings of the Internet. Then, I’ll know that they are hardcore.
-Hire Missy Hyatt for a night just so Tank can smack her around and the announcers can say "Hyatt is getting KILLED". I’d enjoy that too.
-Then Hogan showed up in his non descript hot rod and crashed into the Limo that the heels got out of. We get three different camera angles because they want the feel of a big time movie!!! (need I remind you that TNT is the "Best Movie Studio on Television"?)
-Madden, "Right now, David Arquette has something that every single wrestler in WCW wants very badly!" (either his wife, or some Crystal Meth).
-A white guy sandwiched between a black man and an animal? Pretty much sums up every Saturday night at my house for a decent chunk of the 80’s
-Video black and white (on a Ted "I’d colorize ‘Schindler’s List’ is that Spielberg wasn’t such a baby " Turner STATION??? WILL WONDERS EVER CEASE???) has Vampiro in a cemetery, coolly inviting Sting to come on over and fight amongst the corpses (Gee, can’t they do that at just about any arena WCW plays at? BWAHAHAHAAA)
-The point is, he’s giving up the title, and the winner of the Three Cage Match at Slamboree will get it. Arquette starts screaming "ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE BABY???" The dead heat from the crowd and the 12 million at the Box office after 3 weeks would seem to indicate "no".
-Vampiro appears behind Sting as he walks by. Millions (well, with RAW now on, more like thousands) of yokels scream at their TV sets, "HE’S BEHIND YOU STINGER!!"
-Sting walks around some more. Past various gravestones: Vincent McMahon Sr. (wow!), Pope John Paul (Holy Cow!!), Gordon Jump (WHAT??)
-Kidman called himself the "future" and the "Kingpin" around here... and guys like Nash were just "washed up pieces of trash" (Funny, I thought that title was only reserved for former Scoops writers?)
-Back to the ring, Madden wanted to speak on something. How about speaking on a DIET?
-WCW Logo: Like your finer STD sores, it will NEVER go away.
-Hugh introduced a new cadet... Major Gunns. Out came this STACKED blonde. If this chick wasn’t pulled DIRECTLY OUT OF some All Nude Strip Joint, I’ll personally eat my own socks.
-Juvee announces that "Finalee, the Jews has come BACK to Wuloxee!!!!" Huh? I knew they were tossed out of Israel (India?? Egypt??) but when were they driven out of Wuloxee? I didn’t get a chance to read the paper this morning... what happened?
-Flair starts working the mic. Let's hope Russo gets out there before Flair starts talking about lighting up the Ol’ Miss with Mr. Wrestling II and making a Woman out of Bill Watts daughter.
-Hey there’s Reid Flair... the kid who took out Bischoff in seconds the week after Eric single handily tore through an army of Chicago Security officers with his bare hands.
-They go into a massive walk-in closet. Russo is amazed at the number of shoes Ric owns. I see a pair of Bruno Maglis... HOLY CRAP!!! FLAIR KILLED NICOLE AND RON GOLDMAN!!! QUICK, SOMEONE CALL OJ AND APOLOGIZE TO HIM ON BEHALF OF 90% OF THE FREE SPEAKING WORLD!!!!!
-earlier today, Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner arrived in Atlanta. Tony Schiavone’s voice tells us that TONIGHT our waiting is OVER (you mean I’m finally getting a crack at Kaitlen Ashley?)!!
-We see Goldberg watching the TV as Russo promises to “get up in you” if he gets in his face. Goldberg yells “WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?” at the TV Set. Yes, he actually yelled at the TV Set.
-Western Union is sponsoring this. Didn’t the advent of the ATM machine render Western Union sort of useless? When will WCW pick up the Pony Express as a sponsor?
-Funk hits Eric on the head. Eric does one of his patented “Pause So We Can All Imagine the Tweety Birds Flying Around His Head” freezes, then goes down.
-Oh... F-it. For old time’s sake.
-As he makes his way to the ring, he spots a young black child watching him with tears running down his face. He lumbers over to him and asks, “What’s wrong little man?” The Boy’s Mother runs over and says, “Oh Mr. Goldberg... my boy, he is suffering from an extreme case of Bell’s Palsy! He can’t move his face one inch... he can’t even smile!! Lord A’Mighty, it’s so bad he can’t even move his NECK!! Can you help me boy, Mr. Goldperson please sir?” Goldberg smiled gently at the lad and his Mom laid one meaty paw on the boys face... and closed his eyes. A warm glow emanated from his hand. His face erupted in a rash of tics and... err... tics. The Glow grew brighter and brighter, until it WASHED OVER THE CROWD IN A SYMPHONY OF BRIGHT LIGHTS!!!
-Goldberg removed his paw. The boy stared straight ahead... SLOWWLY moved his head east. SLLLLOWLY moved his head west. He raised his head up to meets Goldberg’s eyes, and smiled the biggest, bestest smile you’ve ever seen! The Mother went berserk, “OH THANK YOU MISTER GOLDBERG!!! YOU CYRED MY SON, YOU CURED MY SON!!!” The she looked at her boy and said, “Now Duane, what do you say to the nice white man?
-Duane jerked his head left, jerked his chin down, raised a big ol’ eyebrow, looked at Goldberg and said, “Hey JEWbrony... I want you to take your Minora, shine it up real nice, AND SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!!!!!!!”
-Smoke ERUPTED from Goldberg’s eyes. he grabbed the punk, grabbed his Mother, turned HER upside down, shined the brat up real nice, shoved HIM up HER candy ass, and punted them both OUT of the Building and STRAIGHT DOWN PEACHTREE ROAD!! They landed somewhere in Buckhead.
-I’ll be damned! David does that headflip up and over the top rope, he even ran across the apron! Ric even CLOTHESLINED him down. The crowd laughed. I SWEAR, I heard Ric say, “Christ! All these years, I had no idea how stupid that move looks!”
-the show opens with a Hearse pulling in outside with a black stretch limo behind it. My God! Who would have thought that Sir John’s Gielgud’s last request was to attend a NITRO SHOW???? THAT’S LOYALTY!!!!
-of course, Madden is a Master of the "Eating Arts", where your belts don’t change color as you advance... they just get longer and longer.
-Miller makes use of a pair of "nunchakus", or as Tony called them, "Numb Chucks". The inventor was a paraplegic named "Chuck"?
-BIG sign behind them that says "MR. TITO’S PDC... followed by a web address I can’t make out. I don’t even want to know. It can’t POSSIBLY be good, not with a name like that.
-If Daffney were any whiter she could write for 1wrestling.com.
-I am UNDEFEATED IN THUMB WRESTLING!!! The secret is that I use my Index Finger as a Manager and have it interfere
-Kevin Nash is the WCW heavyweight champion. He looks as thrilled as anyone would with that piece of tin lately. He is also wearing a shirt that says “FUNB”. I used to wear one of those! But I was FORCED to wear it... in Prison... my “Massa” made me wear it... and it had nothing to do with “New Blood”. To me, “FUNB” will forever mean “Forever Under Nubian Balls”... my God... the horror... the horror.
-The Flimsy Animals come out. Konan can die, Rey can put his mask back on, Juventud can get lynched by announcing that the Jews have come back to Salt Lake City, and Disco... well DINF is still okay in my book. So long as Konan DIES!!!
-after a few minutes, where we see that this match may or may not be an official “Lumberjack Match” (we’ll never know for sure, thanks to WCW’s Officiating being as relaxed as Tommy Tunes’ bunghole).
-GI Bro... (it would NOT shock me if Faarooq’s head explodes sometime this week) said that Sean Stasiak is going to pay for something or another in a GAB “Bootcamp Match”. The winner gets to shoot himself in the head after the match while Matthew Modine watches.
-“Cobra” opens a pizza box, takes the last slice, CUTS A PIECE OFF THE SLICE WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS... and takes ONE bite out of the piece. That’s his whole dinner. For some reason, that always bothered me.
-Sly Stallone is the perfect example as to why Italians never ruled the World... except for that brief period where Rome was running hot... but Jesus, and a bunch of Barbarians took care of that awfully quick. Italians are good for making Pizza and banging lily white babes who want to be “bad” and piss off Daddy.... that’s it.
-In the span of 21 hours, Tony has gone from comparing Goldberg to God, to calling him a “common THUG who’s for sale to the highest bidder.” (There’s a joke there that I ain’t going anywhere NEAR). Madden says that Goldberg is the same, only his opponents have changed, and he still is the “most powerful force in Sports Entertainment”. (Hmmph? I thought that honor went to either Scherer or Meltzer, depending on which one you asked first).
-So, Goldberg, signed a deal, with the DEVIL!!! (Yeah, but now he’s got to live another 1000 years before the Dark Chylde Dillenger can implement the Sowing of the Black Blood Harvest... then you’re ALL F-ed).
-Russo brings the girls 5 feet over to where Goldberg is confabbing with Bischoff. Goldberg says, “Hello Vince. Why, I didn’t see you and these girls standing 5 feet away!”
-Tony screamed, “WAIT JUST ONE DAMN SECOND!!”... and reality froze perfectly for that one second. (Holy Crap, I spent two years putting a Bounty on GOD HIMSELF!!!! NO WONDER MY LIFE HIT THE TOILET!!!)
-Russo announces that he is NOT a Lambchop! (Then why was he seen backstage with Shari Lewis’s hand up his ass?)
-All his life, Dallas has been hearing the words, “I can’t” (Followed closely by, “Wrong hole, Stud.”)
-Turning to Kanyon, Page discusses how he is the one guy who he REALLY took under his wing. He’s the ONE GUY to whom Page passed on the Schooling he got from HIS mentors, Jodie Hamilton, Dusty Rhodes, and Jake Roberts!! (Jake’s first lesson: If you’re arm is fried out, there’s always between the toes!)
-Nash is out of the car and being uncuffed... not a moment too soon, that hair needs to be FLIPPED!!
-Tony orders us to look at a sign that read "SOLDBERG"... anti-Semitic Bastard. Not ALL Jews are obsessed with buying and selling things, you know!!!!! Sure, most of them are, BUT NOT ALL!!! DAMMIT!!!
-Miller also called Steiner "Big Poppa Dump". Which is really a bit of a compliment. I mean, what Guy ISN’T bursting with pride whenever their Poop breaks the Toilet’s sea level and a Mini-Island is formed? Jesus, I take pictures.
-Tony, "It’s a Black Day in WCW" (Why? Did they bring back Master P?)
-Buff sets up for the Blockbuster... and HITS IT!!! Steiner kicks out. Madden asks Hudson if he can believe that? Hudson yells, "Of course I can, stupid!! It’s right here on page 23."
-Madden had to get involved, because he’s a Heel announcer, thus he is telling the children that whoever HE supports must be booed. So, since he is a FAN of Tank and Three Count... the children know to BOO them.
-Which also means that Madden is telling children to CHEER fresh fruits, vegetables, and daily exercise! Also to CHEER personal grooming and good hygiene. Madden is actually doing GOOD!! I’ll be damned.
-Finally, the Last Dragon (wasn’t that a 80’s blaxploitation karate film?) was about to dive, but Tank stood in his way. Tank entered the ring. The Jung Heap started failing away at his chest. Nothing. The Jung assumed the “Crane Position”... no one had the sense of Irony to yell, “FINISH HIM”...
-Then Awesome stated loud and clear that “I am NOT a MULLET!! And if you even think about calling me a MULLET!! I am going to be really cheesed off!! So do NOT call me a MULLET!! Are we clear? Awesome does not equal MULLET. Awesome is NOT a MULLET. No signs, no chants, nothing having anything to do with me and the word MULLET. One thing I really, really hate, is to be called a MULLET! So do not call me a MULLET! No MULLET. If someone even calls me a MULLET, I while stomp around the ring and kick the ropes and hold my MULLETS I mean EARS and yell. So no MULLET! Okay? Awesome, yes, MULLET no!”
-Then, is case we didn’t understand what he was going for, Awesome held up a sign that said “AWESOME IS A MULLET” and tore it up. Then slipped the sign holder $50.
-call me crazy, but I think he might want to get the “Mullet” thing going?
-The Announcers get early face time? Is that Don Johnson? Oh no, it’s just Mark Madden with sunglasses on.
-Mark’s mouth is hanging wide open. No nose breathing for him.
-Madden, “last night, the NEW WCW really DID become the “NEW WCW”... oh, so that whole April 12 thing was just a snowjob?
-Torrie said that there was something about Kidman that just couldn’t quite please her (well, you can forget about the nose). She sucked her pinkie finger, then it hit her... he was a JEW!!!
-Spot for the TNT homemade flick, “Nuremberg”. Knowing TNT’s desire to get WCW over, I’m sure they included a “not verified, but possible” scene where Goldberg spears and jackhammers Hitler.
-Know why the company sucks? Here’s ANOTHER reason. Goldberg’s ENTIRE RING WORK TONIGHT involved 1 Spear. 1 jackhammer. 2 punches. An 1 slow roll out of the ring. That’s all he did. THAT is what the fans who paid for the tickets were given..
-Oh, Storm’s also Canadian. To prove it, he demanded that they all rise and respect the Canadian National Anthem. Two thirds of the Announcers acted like Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik just time traveled from 15 years ago and started to sing the Soviet National Anthem. The other third of the Announce Team is a fat bag of shit.
-You know who is a Role Model? ME!!!! I once banged a Girl with AIDS! THAT’S Heroic!
-Anyone remember “Hot Dog: The Movie”? I’ll call you GOD in the next column if you can tell me what were the ingredients to the drink known as the “Leg Spreader”
-The Filthy Animals come out. Juvee stayed quiet... obviously, there are no Jews in Cleveland (START PACKING, PEOPLE!!)
-The Filthy Animals talk of some sort of “Mexican Strategy”... I’m sure it involved liquor.
-Opens with a ten bell salute to Gordon Solie. That's all well and good but... who will take care of his pet Hamster "Cuddles"? WHO??? YOU???
-Gordon was born in 1929. I hear his first real girlfriend was Bob Ryder's Daughter.
-Last week, WCW fans were PROMISED one thing, yet got something else. Like when you buy a car... and get a full engine warranty, but when your Head Gasket goes, the company says, "Ooops... Seals and Gaskets were not covered! So you have to pay $700. Then you call the guy who sold you this car and asked God to give AIDS on his Son, but his Son gets Tuberculosis instead. You were PROMISED something... but got something else! This is why I worship Satan.
-"Lavestia"... jeeze. Although I once met a Girl named "Shanquelia"... nice Irish lass.
-Judy Bagwell comes out. Madden asked why. Hudson said that maybe she's PROUD of her Son, then suggested that maybe Madden should talk to HIS Mom one day. This hit a soft spot in Madden, who snapped, "Don't talk about my Mother, Baldy!" (AhHA!! A CHINK IN THE ARMOR!!!! FINALLY!!!! SOMETHING TO EXPLOIT!!)
-Hey Madden!! I F-ED YOUR MOTHER WITH A RUSTED OUT GARDEN WEASEL THEN SOAKED UP HER LOVE JUICE WITH A RAG AND SQUEEZED IT IN YOUR CHILI!!! AND YOU ATE IT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
-Storm demanded that during HIS matches, WCW should be called, "World Canadian Wrestling"... then told us to blame ourselves for having inferior wrestlers. (Naah, I blame "TJ Hooker's" Adrian Zmed... for some weird reason.)
-Hudson announced that Lavestia has been taken to "Good Samaritan Hospital" and is resting comfortably. Booker T is on his way back (if only those damn taxi cabs would STOP for a Brother!!!) How come there are never any BAD Samaritans?
-Earlier today: Scott Steiner arrives and knocks out the camera man with a pipe... he needs a pipe to hurt people? I would think a blood transfusion would explode any mortal heart?
- Then Kevin Nash arrived. Nash beats up NOBODY. Nash beats people up with his SPARKLING VERBAL WIT!!
-Live, Goldberg arrives... although it COULD have been taped. He asks Dillenger where Nash is. Dillenger mumbles something about peeling the flesh off the New Apostles. Dillenger is too busy looking over paperwork... some foolish mortal must have signed over his soul to the Dark Chylde... don't bother praying for this lost soul.... it's too late... dammit
-side note... one reader told me he cut and pasted all my ScoopThis columns into one text... it all came out to something like 898 pages. I gave NoSoul almost 900 pages of brilliance... imagine what I would have done if I even LIKED the guy?
-and here comes the e-mail lecture...
-Sting came out under the cover of darkness. He had a bat. He used said bat. I heard Muta grunt quite clearly, "Ugh.. not THIS Gaijin again!"
-He also said that the "Stinger came looking for a fight!" A: He's too damn old to attach an "er" at the end of his name and B: Wouldn't it be cool if someone screamed, "I CAME HERE LOOKING FOR A SPIRITED CONTEST OF WILL AND ABILITY!!"
-Tub of Goo. HEY MARK!!!! I SMUGGLE CUBANS INTO THIS COUNTRY BY JAMMING THEM UP YOUR MOTHER'S UTERUS. NO, NOT THE CIGARS... REAL LIVE CUBANS!!!
-Kidman said that over the last few weeks... he has treated Torrie Wilson poorly. Like a lovelorn loser nursing a broken heart after getting dumped by a total PIECE OF ASS... he handled things ALL WRONG. (Oh... we've ALL made fools of ourselves over a broken heart... I made a TOTAL jackass out of myself... now my heart is completely hardened... there WILL be no more broken hearts for me. THIS IS ONE ARMOR NO BITCH IS GOING TO PIERCE!!! A REPRESENT ALL OF YOU LOSERS OUT THERE!!!! F-THE BROADS!! F-EM ALL AND MAKE THEIR PARENTS WATCH!!!)
-Mother Bagwell flips Kanyon the finger. HAW... CLASSY DAME!!! It's a miracle Sinatra didn't snag her.
-commercials TNT enters the TV series fray with a Wall Street comedy called "Bull"... FINALLY... a steady job for Alicia Coppola. (I say, 4 shows then it's back to B-Movies)
-Russo insists that the WCW New Blood can give the WWF a serious run. (I doubt ANYBODY thinks Hugh Morrus is going to save this company).
-Then some NEW guy ran in. Tony says that "obviously" we KNOW this guy from Thunder as "Reno". CHECK THE RATINGS, NITWIT!!! QUITE A FEW OF US DO NOT KNOW!
-Meanwhile, Major Gunns and Tygress fought into the mud. Ms Handcock showed up. Madden screamed "Snootchy Bootchies". Hey Mark!! I USED YOUR MOTHER'S MONTHLY EXPULSION TO PAINT MY DOGHOUSE!!!! YOU SHOULD SEE ALL THE FLYS DROP DEAD AS SOON AS THEY LAND!!!!!!
-WHAT??? YOU'RE MOM WENT THROUGH MENOPAUSE?? I KICKED HER A FEW TIMES... IT GOT GOING AGAIN!!!!
-This column is dedicated to the return of Dave Gagnon... I officially TOAST Dave's return with a nice cool can of Budweiser!! HERE'S TO YOU, DAVE... Oh... right... Dave's fresh out of rehab... it's not appropriate to drink alcohol in his honor. I apologize.
-But, he didn't say nothing about having a problem with drugs... so I officially TOAST Dave's return with a nice, smooth injection of HEROIN!! HERE'S TO YOU, DAVE... gotta find a vein here... ahhhhhhh
-thasss nicccshe... awww shweeet. The colors, people... look at all the pretty colorzzz
-I am running naked through a field of laughing dandelions and free floating dreams... I am the Eggman... I am the Walrus... coo coo cachoo
-You DO realize that Madden's gut sinks so low that his pecker and balls are shoved into his pelvis and he cannot see them when he is standing naked in front of the mirror, right? He needs two hands to physically LIFT his belly up to take a pee. Let's all enjoy that visual for a moment.
-Russo steps in, grabs a headset off Hudson's head. My God!! Hudson's BALD??? I HAD NO IDEA!!!
-So, they cut to Tank and Goldberg, who showed up... with his ribs STILL wrapped up. (Shoot, shmoot... I'm working this bitch). Tank whipped GB into the guard rail, Goldberg, even though this is a STIFF MATCH... A SHOOT... still turned around mid-stride and ran into the rail with his BACK.. (you know, you NEVER see the Crips OR the Bloods do that during their gang wars!)
-Hudson says that Reno is 'well known in Underground Shoot Fighting Circles in Nevada. (Pfft... yeah RIGHT!! So am *I*!! I beat Reno's ass from Carson City to Vegas one night. Go ahead, try to check... it's not logged ANYWHERE, DUMMY... IT'S UNDERGROUND!!!)
-Tony, "can you imagine what's going through the MIND of Billy Kidman???" (umm... circulating blood would be my guess)
-A miserable, babbling David Flair is walking with his hair all astray and his dress shirt, tie, and pants all caked up with something... He looks like me after my Father took me to see the Village People and got us backstage.
-Major Gunns came out and asked David if "Stacy" (?) was okay? David mumbled something. Oh yeah... I was mumbling something too after Tonto and the Biker taught me how to "felch" someone... oh dear Christ... oh dear... WHY CAN'T YOU DIE, DAD!!! YOU SCUMFU**ING OLD MAN!!!! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW BAD YOU... YOU...
-"MACHO MAN", MY ASS!!!!!!
-Why couldn't he have taken me to go see Queen? A REAL MAN'S band!!!!
-They smooched. Madden says "Snootchie Bootchies". Can't SOMEONE out there get close enough to him and inject him with an AIDS filled syringe?
-Then Jacques Rougeau runs out and throws out Miller. Suddenly, Arn Anderson owns the SECOND WORST ATTEMPTED COMBOVER IN WCW HISTORY.
-Hey Mark, I MAKE YOUR MOTHER GIVE HEAD TO MY LONG, BROWN POOP SPEARS!!!! SHE LOVES IT!!! SHE SAYS IT TASTES LIKE YOU!!)
-Steiner had something to say... who the Hell knows what... how can you pay attention to him while he was wearing a... a.. an Egyptian head wrap? (Whatever you do, do NOT touch Steiner's tears... or else you'll fall hopelessly in love with him and UNLIKE a certain Federation Captain with a bad wig and a girdle... YOU don't have a Star Ship that you love even MORE!!)
-I have a message to all "Juggalos": You worship white rappers who dress like Bozo.
-Muta screamed some for Japanese, I'm pretty sure he said, "I will kill your pets and feed them back to you in your flied lice!"
-Then the lights dimmed. Tony screamed, "HOLD THE PHONE!"... I didn't know the phone was in danger of escaping? I didn't even know that the phone had legs?
-Madden wondered how Goldberg can handle this? After all, he's only "one man". Tony gawped at him and said, "Listen to yourself! How can you sit there and call Goldberg ONE MAN!!" (Right! What about Hymie... his midget brother who lives up his ass?)
-Russo got on the stick and called Miller, "Dolemite"... then he DROPPED THE MIC FROM HIS MOUTH... (obviously, to give the fans a chance to laugh at his stunning wit... the fans passed)
-Nash gave Rey Mysterio a big boot. It seems like, every two years or so, someone in WCW gets the idea that it would be fun to see Nash beat the crap out of Rey Mysterio.
-Nitro has a new Trading card game. Because only Norman Smiley can save YOUR Kingdom from Zorn the Wicked Sorcerer and his partner, Miglar the Ogre Prince!
Oh, and NEVER call a 17 year old girl "Chunky Ass"... wait until she hits her late 20s and starts getting desperate for a mate. Then you can call her anything you F-ing want. Heh.
-Schiavone mentioned me by NAME on WCW Live last week. Did Scherer allow it to be posted? Nope! If Al Gore mentioned something that Tom Brokaw asked him in an interview with Dan Rather, would CBS edit it? Of COURSE not. The Net is a pack of CHILDREN!!! That's why I act like one.
-Rey Mysterio had Devil's horns glued to his head. I bet he's licked plenty of ball sweat in his day.
-Ernest Miller... wearing ALL WHITE (Uncle TOM!!) enters a Limousine with his white babe (MAJOR UNCLE TOM!!!!). Has someone told Jay Zee about this? Has DMX been briefed?
-Tony screams, "WHY IS THE CAGE COMING DOWN???" Madden shrieks... overselling his fat f-ing ass... as usual. Okay... here we go...
-HEY MARK!!! I GAVE YOUR MOMMA THE BEETLE CLIP!!!! I HAD INDEX FINGER IN HER BAD PLACE AND MY THUMB IN HER REALLY BAD PLACE!!!!! THEN I TRIED TO PINCH THEM TOGETHER!!! SHE SQUEALED, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!!! SHE SQUEAAAAAAALED!!!!!!!
-oh no... one of my porn tapes now has 11 minutes of Nitro... in a few years, when I totally forget about this and start fishing for some manual encouragement ... I'm going to be in for one HELL of a surprise. Man, Russo SUCKS!!!
-Tony tried to get Boreass to go over the rules of the Wargames (there are two that I know... Arn goes in first and the Horsemen ALWAYS get bitchslapped... oh, and at one point, Schiavone ALWAYS says, "Arn Anderson is really, really hurt in there!").
-Sting's music came on... Sting popped out from beneath the ring... because he has MAGICAL POWERS!!! Including the newfound ability to actually SLEEPWALK through his matches!
-Russo climbed to the tippety top... Sting chased... Russo climbed down from the outside of the cage. From the INSTANT he hit the floor and while walking backwards up the ramp, Russo tapped his temple with his finger. See, he is making sure we know that he is "smart"... once we realize his intention, he then goes about to oversell the tap... see. he's smart... he taps his temple... he's smart. Still tapping... still smart. If he drops his hand, we might think he's dumb... so he keeps tapping... smart.
-Jeremy Boreass is wearing shades... like Madden... because if there is one person EVERY announcer should emulate...
-Back to the Announcers... Madden says that this is the first time Boreass has ever been sht(bleep)ed by the Nitro girls...then privately burst into hysterics over that NAUGHTY joke that no one got to hear. HEY MARK!! I HAD YOUR MOMMA RIDDING DOGGY STYLE, THEN I GRABBED HER NIPPLES AND HAD MY FRIENDS RUN OUT WITH A VIDEO CAMERA!!! THEN I HELD ON FOR DEAR LIFE AS THE OLD BITCH TRIED TO GET AWAY!!! IT'S CALLED THE RODEO!!! SHE LOVED IT, LOVED IT, LOVED IT!!!!!
-Stevie Ray came out. He had a mic. "You know, I had a funny feeling in my GUT... when I came into Dallas, Texas tonight." (yeah, flashing police lights in the rear view mirror will do that).
-Sting was cuffed too, to be honest, I think Sting cuffed himself ("Okay, I've had enough for tonight... I'll get motivated when you bring back the exploding boat!")
-Boreass and Madden called each other "jackasses", then Madden threatened to beat him up. HEY MARK!!! I SQUEEZED MY FACE SO FAR UP YOUR MOTHER'S ASS THAT I COULD ALMOST TOUCH HER CLIT FROM BEHIND!!! SHE WAS HOWLING!!! HOWLING!!!!!!!!!
-a frantic Terry Taylor finds a just arriving Sting and Booker T and told them that Miller's getting punked out even as they speak. Neither man accessed the Speed Force in order to save a fellow Face,
-Big Vito came out and challenged Reno to a "Stickball Bat on a Pole Match" right there, right now. Just like they used to do it in Staten Island. (Until those damn JEWS took over New York and OUTLAWED Stickball Bat On Pole matches... dammit.)
-Oh now, here's a meeting of the minds. Paula Pollshock and Madusa. Madusa promised to beat up that young thing, Torrie Wilson and RESTORE THE LUSTER OF FEMALE WRESTLING IN THE WCW!!!!!! Then she gave head to the camera guy.
-Madden's Mother is fat. I have to haul in a fork lift just get that belly that hangs over her crotch. It's a real chore.
-Then Awesome's Bus pulled in down the ramp. Jarrett and the NBTs came out. Nash put Booker's head through the windshield and GB was handcuffed to the Bus's grill. Steiner nailed GB a few times with his lead pipe. (a CATHOLIC PIPE!!!! A-HOLE!!!)
-HEY MARK!!! I GAVE YOUR MOMMA A "SHITTY TITTY TACO!!!" I TOOK A DUMP ON YOUR MOM'S CHEST... A BIG, MEATY CRAP!!! THEN I SCREWED HER BETWEEN HER SAGGING, FAT BOOBS... IT'S SMEARED THE CRAP, MARK!!! SMEARED IT GOOD!!! LIKE BEAN DIP!!! IT LOOKED LIKE BEAN DIP IN A TACO!!!!!! THEN I SHOT MY LOAD ON TOP!!! A LITTLE PEPPERJACK CHEESE!!!! SHE ATE IT MARK!!! SHE ATE IT ALL UP!!!!
-HEY MARKY FAT MARK!!! WANNA KNOW WHY YOU MOMMA IS SUDDENLY CROSSEYED ALL OF THE SUDDEN??? IT'S BECAUSE I SCOOPED OUT THE BITCH'S EYE WITH A SPOON... A RUSTY SPOON, AND BALLED THE SOCKET!!! THE BLOODY, SLIMY, PUS FILLED SOCKET!!! I SKULLF-ED YOUR MOMMA MADDEN!!! I FOUND A NEW HOLE TO HUMP!!! SHE LOVED IT!!!!
-Meng tells Paula Pollshock that he was fired... but this is his last chance to have a career and feed his 12 children.. so, if Mr. Nice Jewish person would be so kind as to lay down for him so maybe he can buy his family some food for this week, he'd be much obliged. IF GOLDBERG HAS ANY SHRED OF DECENCY... HE'LL LET MENG WIN SO HE CAN KEEP HIS JOB!!!! THIS IS NOT WRESTLING!!! THIS IS HIS LIFE!!!
-They fought for about 15 seconds. Then Goldberg won. Then he jumped out of the ring and yanked a hot dog out of Meng's son's mouth. BASTARD!!!!
-Speaking of getting laid... HEY MARK!!!! I GAVE YOURE MOMMA THE NAVAL JIZZ ROCKET!!!!! I SCREWED HER UNTIL HER TOES CURLED AND HER EYES ROLLED!!! (poor girl, it only took about 30 seconds... she was SO horny) THEN, AT THE MOMENT OF RELEASE, I SQUIRTED RIGHT INTO HER BIG, FAT BELLY BUTTON!!!!! IT WAS DEEP... SO DEEP!!! SHE KEPT LOOSE CHANGE IN THE THING!!! THEN MARK... THEN I GRABBED BOTH LOVE HANDLES AND SQUEEZED THOSE BAD BOYS!!!! THE GOO SQUIRTED RIGHT INTO HER EYE!!!! INTO HER EYE MADDEN!!! THE GOOD EYE!! NOT THE GLASS ONE THAT SHE GOT AFTER I SCOOPED OUT THE BALL TWO WEEKS AGO!!!! THE GIRL MOOED LIKE A COW MARK.... SHE MOOOOOOOOOOED!!!!!!
-Tony welcomes us to Australia, FOR THE SECOND STRAIGHT WEEK!!! I haven't been around much last week... how many Internet Clowns made the damn near mandatory joke about how fitting it was that WCW spoent the last two week "down under" while the entire company is going "down under"? How many? I'm sure Scaia's a lock... who else? If it's less than 25, I'll eat my own diarrhea.
-Nash stayed in there a few minutes just to make sure we knew that Sean and Palumbo were still bickering. Then he joined the Announce team where he immediately announced that he was in a real bad mood and was in no mental shape to deal with this kayfabe nonsense. Later on, he says that Stasiak might need a "9 millimeter to the head" (Hey, that's how they got that troublemaking Dino Bravo in line!)
-WCW had a PPV last night. Once you realized that Sting's "Personal Demons from the Past" were just jobbers out to make a fast $50, you kind of get the sense of the innate and utter stupidity of this entire business.
-Speaking of which... Rey has now added a painted mustache and pointy beard to go with his Devil Horns. I full expect him to add a sign over his tuckus that reads, "DELIVER HERE" within a week or two.
-I don't know... could you see Gordon Solie saying the words, "General Rection"? Without sputtering?
-I just had a thought... (yeah, it happens)
-What if Bush wins... and up on the podium for his victory speech, right in the middle of his speech... he reaches toward his neck... yanks off his mask...
AND IT'S DICK NIXON!!! TWO VEE SIGNS IN THE AIR!!! "IT'S ME!!! I'M BACK!!!!"
-Dear God. That would be cool.
- Luger told the people that Madden was an "endomorph"... which is a "gigantic glob of cellulite, fat, poor conditioning, slovenly eating habits, and a piece of garbage!" (It should be noted that at this point, Madden crossed his arms over his belly... no doubt as a way to HIDE his tremendous bulk! Wow... he's really SKINNY!! What's Luger talking about?)
-Lance Storm, Flex Elixer and Hacksaw Jim Duggan (HOOOOOOOOOO) come out. Meanwhile, I'm SURE F-ng Nash grabbed Pollshock and took her into the men's room for a little "Head-In-The-Toilet-While-I-Sodomize-That-Booty" Session... (Ahh, I miss my Gramma)
-Tony swears that even if you are stranded in London, 1-800-Collect will get you home! A few misplaced dials, and 1-900-Colleen will get you to mess your pants in a NASTY way
-"The Rockford Files" (for you youngsters out there who thought TV was invented around the time "Seinfeld" came on)... arguably, on of the worst shows on TV. If you missed the first 5 minutes, you were lost for the whole episode.
-"Magnum P.I" was like that too. So was "Vegas", "The Equalizer", and "Simon and Simon"
-DAMMIT... THE ONLY GOOD TV SHOW MADE IN THE LAST 20 YEARS WAS "BUCK ROGERS"!!!!
-Gil Gerard... he could have been the next Harrison Ford... dammit.
-And I DEFY you not to get a boner when Erin Gray was seduced by that Space Vampire and turned all evil!!!!
-They are at the "Metro Center"... finally, porn star Alex Metro gets PROPS!
-Steiner said that he came here tonight "looking for a fight"... (well, he's beating the Hell out of the English language, there's a start.)
-A BLACK limo pulls up. Just ONCE I'd like to see ONE Superstar pull up in an used Kia
-Steiner climbs the second rope and leaps for the "I'll just jump down and look like I actually had something lethal in mind" move (Tony called it the "Sidewalk Slam")
-Stevie foils Steiner's plan by putting on the Bookend. Tony screams, "THAT'S HIS BROTHER'S MOVE!!!!" (grrr.... dickhead!)
-Sid is cuffed. Sid refuses to fight back because he's a Face and Faces RESPECT the Cops. (if your kids grow up worshipping SID... seek... help...Therapist... NOW!!!!!)
-Elsewhere Paula Pollshock is there to help us all hear the wit and wisdom of the douchebag named "Konan". The Harris Boys AND Jeff Jarrett were all treated to barbs from his acerbic wit. (He even called someone a "cranberry"... OH, how ribald!)
-Steiner get on the stick... and began to wrestle with the English language. The damn language refused to SELL!!!! (BASTARD!!! SHOW SOME PROFESSIONALISM, FOR CHRISSAKES!)
-Steiner found Jarrett and bitched about whatever Flair's up to... Jarrett yelled, "Get off my damn BACK!!!" Steiner yelled back, "Relax, it's only warm yogurt!"
-Steiner found Flair's dressing room... smashed it a few times with his big iron pipe... then it dawned on him to check to see if the door was locked.
-It wasn't. He's a damn moron.
-Cut to EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE (DAMN... how did RAW NOT get a hold of it?) of Steiner and Animal be applauded and high fived backstage by ALL the heels... including Ric Flair (oh God, Ric... no)
-Wow... seeing Flair Hug Animal makes me yearn for the good ol' days... when FLAIR WAS THE MAN, THE ROAD WARRIORS SCARED THE PISS OUT OF EVERYBODY, TULLY SNUCK HIS ASS OUT OF EVERY MATCH, AND DUSTY FOUGHT FOR US ALL!!!!!!
-wow... yearning for the good ol' days makes me want to put a little Ozzy on the cassette deck and hear him make a plea for Nuclear disarmament.
-"IF NONE OF US... BELIEVE IN WAAAAAR... THEN CAN YOU TELL ME WHAAAT THE WEAPONS FOOOOOR???" (you GO, Ozzy... you drunken old sot)
-Hudson, "Things are not well... in WCW." (well good morning to YOU, Mr. Van Winkle!)
-FIRST IRONIC MOMENT OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM!!! An overacting, insincere Hudson started to bitch about Luger and Buff's overacting and insincerity!! (WCW IS BACK, PEOPLE!!!!)
-Buff got on the mic and mourned some more. "I can see Bill's face... but it's tough to see when it's six feet under!!" (heh... reminds me of the time I went down on a fat chick)
-Nash said, "Let me make one thing clear, Ric Flair..." Then took out some Windex and wiped down the nearest camera.
-Crowbar with a move that Tony first described as a "Fireman's Carry Slam"... then Hudson, with a BIT too much snottiness, called a "Death Valley Driver"... then Tony attacked Hudson with his pencil.
-O'Hare was tagged in and jumped over the ropes casually. Hudson noted that RAW was beginning and said "Good Night" (HAW!!!! NEVER FAILS TO AMUSE ME!!!)
-Hey, I just don't like Konan... it's not a Mexican thing with me. I LOVE Eddie... and Chihuahuas... and Nachos... and Salma Hayak. And I LOVE screaming "HO DE TEY" at the top of my lungs in front of clueless Americans.
-Page grabbed the mic and says "Flair, just when you think you've got all the answers... the Commissioner... the Cat... changes the questions!!" (somewhere in Oregon, Roddy Piper heard this... spit out his beer... and screamed, "OH YEAH!!!! WELL I MAY BE 45!! BUT I LOOK 35 AND I WRESTLE LIKE I WAS 25!!!!!" Then he realized that he there were no cameras in the room... sat back down and switched over to 3rd Rock. He muttered to no one, "Let me tell you something, that French Stewart is one funny monkey!"
-moments ago, Das Wunderkind fell hard to the might of the Nash. If only Big Sexy was around 60 years ago... Tom Hanks would have NEVER had to die searching for Matt Damon.
This is Hyatte